I was supposed to go hiking today. I was going to go with two of my favorite people on the planet — peeps I hadn’t seen in waaay too long — I was excited.

Yet this morning, I called and postponed. I am not ill, though I feel like crap. I didn’t break a leg or have a tragedy befall me. What I also didn’t do was sleep last night.

Insomnia of a sort, isn’t entirely unknown to me, but last night I didn’t sleep till after four and woke up around five — that is unusual. Normally, if I have trouble, I fall asleep around two or three, then sleep in till seven. One hour of sleep has left me feeling like that thing the cat hacked up (which I really don’t want to clean up.)

And I am embarrassed by this. Embarrassed to have to postpone over what seems like a wimpy reason. I am also embarrassed by not having slept as if I see it as some kind of weakness.

WTF?

The thing is, everyone has a night like this once in a while. Why I should be embarrassed? I really do not know – I need to forget about feeling silly and figure out why I didn’t feel sleepy.

I am sensing anxiety in myself. Was this triggered by laying there watching the clock tick over, knowing I was supposed to get up and drive somewhere? Or was anxiety the cause of me not sleeping in the first place? DK.

Looking back, I did have caffeine later in the day yesterday than I usually do. Noon is my cut-off, but I recall swigging down the last quarter cup of my tea yesterday, only to glance at the clock and realize it was past noon. Was that truly enough to cause a sleepless night?

Honestly, I will never know without testing and I am not going to drink tea past noon just to check it out.

But it bears looking at, what could I be feeling anxious about? What other things were in place that might have contributed to the insomnia?

Could it just possibly have been fear of my upcoming social activity?

I am an introvert and yet even I am feeling the need to be around people after having hung close to home for so long. While I am not really eager to be getting out and hanging with big groups, I was really looking forward to being with two wonderful friends. So why would that set me off?

Perhaps because I have a very real concern about getting caught up in going places. I do want to see more friends and family but in small groups. This wasn’t a party; I was going hiking.

Maybe, I was seeing the hike as a beginning, as indeed it is. I am going to a party tomorrow night, and there have been other invitations. Most insidious of all, I find myself thinking things like, “We should invite so-and-so for dinner. We need to reconnect after all”. The thing is, there are lots of so-and-so’s out there. It is my own mind that is pushing me toward being social, at the same time I really don’t want to add so many activities to my calendar. I remember the pre-pandemic days when my months would be chewed away with an event here, a party there, lunch or dinner with this friend or that. All wonderful and fun things, but I hated being that busy and I have no desire to go that direction again.

Is that what is at the bottom of my anxiety and sleepless night? Fear of the flood gates I myself am beginning to push open?

P.S. I wrote the first part of this post on Thursday. In the meantime, I have gotten some sleep – Yay! – and have gone to my party. The party last night was wonderful! Granted it was a small group consisting of some of my oldest and dearest friends. You know, people I’ve known for thirty/thirty-five years, so being with them was always going to be great. After the last year it just felt amazing to be with other people!

The long and short is, still riding the high of being with friends last night, I reached out to a couple of people today and made lunch plans. The flood gates are beginning to creak open!

Come to think of it, last night was a potluck and I have a lot of strawberry shortcake left, maybe we should invite…